Deluded, disarrayed and disoriented

I'm writing from my new laptop.  It was an early birthday gift from my hubby.  Hopefully I'll write more often now that I have one.  We'll see. 

I've been looking back at some of the poems I've written.  I've come to a cold realization:  I haven't written a poem in two years!  It's amazing to me.  For the majority of my life, writing has been what's kept me from going off the deep end, for at least giving me some semblance of normalcy and now I don't know where its gone.  I sat down tonight and tried to write something but  I was . . . uninspired.  I want that passion back for writing.  I don't know how I'll get it back. 

You know, as I look at the title of my blog I realize a lot of things have changed over the years.  I'm no longer that deluded or disoriented girl anymore.  In fact, I felt like in the past few years I've really grown into my skin.  It didn't always feel like it though. It's been very important to me to be able to feel that way especially after feeling so awkward for so long.  I just always expected that it would just always  be me against the world and I'm noticing it isn't quite like that anymore.  And now that I'm about to enter a new chapter in my life, I feel very hopeful about the future.  I'm been trying very hard to write into words all the things that I've been feeling.  I haven't been able to put pen to paper though.  I guess for me life is changing so much and where I imagined I would be and where I am right now are so different, it boggles my mind.  Maybe I should change the title of my blog, who knows.

So, I'm getting married!  And I am very excited.  I thought when it was time for me to get married it was going to be a small simple affair, but after talking to my parents I already see it turning to something else.  Just looking at reception places and caterers, getting married is expensive!  I don't know, I guess I'll see how it goes.  Other than that nothing much going on, just enjoying life.

I'm Engaged!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Jeez, I just realized how long it's been since I've been on this thing.  It's funny how things come full circle.  When I started this LJ, I was going through a traumatic experience.  And at the time I had so much pain, so much resentment I didn't think I was ever really going to get over it.  Something funny happened though, I did.  I got over it and I moved on with my life and I was happy again.  I learned how to be happy and it felt so good.  When I started this journal, I wanted to use it as a way to be accountable to myself, to bare my soul.  And in a way it did help.  In fact it helped a lot.  I can honestly say that I'm at a place right now where I'm happy.  I'm genuinely happy, I haven't been this happy . . . I don't think ever.  But the thing is though, I haven't had the motivation to write in ages.  I mean nothing, not a line or a phrase or a word.  I never seemed to have problems writing when I was going through my depression or anger or any of that negative stuff.  I never wanted to just be an angst writer.  Hopefully I'll be able to start writing again.  I hope so.  We'll see.

I am supposed to be out right now, but instead I'm stuck at home.  Why?  Because my keys are locked in the car and I have to wait for a locksmith.  Every time  I look in the car, my keys taunt me.  And I hate to even think about how much it's gonna cost me for the locksmith to come.  As if I don't have enough stress to deal with.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to this live performance.  The band was amazing and the whole set up was nice and intimate.  As I was listening to them, I just got really inspired and I got some ideas and lines running loose in my head.  I wanted to write them down, but I  didn't have a pen and no one around had one. So I was trying to maybe write it in a text message or something, and I ended up getting distracted.  So now, I'm haunted  and it's disappeared.  I hate that.  I need to carry a notebook from now on.

Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down, but right now, you're going back and forth like a yo-yo. Whether you're elated or in despair about your love life, know that the real deal is somewhere in the middle.

We're going to the FINALS! 

I was just looking through e-mails I sent, I didn't have many of them, but I did have one from years ago that I had sent to someone I was getting to know better.

And I thank you so much for sharing your time with me too, I do look forward to reading your emails and seeing where you go next with your ideas. My day went fine yesterday, just went to work and came home nothing particular. I don't know I guess I just felt like a home body because I rarely get to be home for more than an hour except to sleep what with school and studying and having to work, so it was a nice change. Though I was kinda bored. I'm working tonight so I will be anything but bored. I can understand where you're coming from, you seem like you're very conscious of your actions which is good. I mean I'm turning 20 soon (in December) and the only thing that I know for sure is that I know nothing at all. You wanna know something funny though, I've spent the majority of my life trying to figure out who am I? what am I all about? why am I so sad? why am I so depressed? and I realized like something recently, I am the only one that can be responsible for myself. MY happiness, MY destiny, and overall my life. Once I figured that out then I figured out who I am and what I am all about and I make no apologies for being me. You can say that my confidence in myself has grown, but only to the point of helping me become a better person. I just can't be responsible for what other people think about me and as soon as I figured that I became so much freer you know? It feels good. So let me ask you this: where do you see yourself in 4 years? 10 years?



cassie

I read this and I don't recognize that girl anymore. She seems so much more together and more confident then I am or have been for a long time. I don't even have those conversations anymore. I'm still so very confused about so many aspects of my life.

I'm so angry right now.

 

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You Belong in Milan

Stylish and sophisticated, you want to enjoy a truly European life - away from tourists! Milan fits you perfectly. Great shopping, high quality food, lots of culture... with very little hype.

Your True Love Is a Scorpio

Why you'll love a Scorpio: Strong and sexy, Scorpio will overpower you into falling in love (before you even realize it!). You'll love being swept away by Scorpio - into a world of insane passion. Why a Scorpio will love you: You don't mind letting your Scorpio take the reigns, as long as you know you're truly cared for. Loyal and devoted, you would never do anything to set off insanely jealous Scorpio.

I'm jaded.

I love you.

I need a hug.