Posted on 2008.07.01 at 06:20
I don't want to let the past control what happens in the future for me and Ty. I can't get rid of the persistent feeling though that he's not telling me the complete truth. He tells me he's told me everything, but for some reason I don't believe him. Maybe I'm just going crazy or something. Then I find things that make me believe that he hasn't told me the complete truth. If he had been completely honest from the beginning, I don't think I would be going through all this bullshit. I feel like I'm going to destroy my marriage if I don't get over this shit. I wish the cards had been laid on the table. And now with these doubts, I don't know if I want to have a baby. At least not right now, with all the issues we're going through. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. If I'm quiet enough, maybe I will hear the answer. The only thing I know is that I only have two options - to move on and get over this shit and try to make our marriage work or to leave it all behind. Tough decisions. Third time was suppose to be the charm. . .
Posted on 2008.06.29 at 14:31
Maybe I am delusional. I can't be anyone other than who I am. I can't change what is fundamentally essentially me. I won't change it, nor will I compromise it for anyone. I don't know what I was thinking. I've been feeling really down lately. Don't know if it will change much in the coming days. I feel like there's a dark cloud brewing over my head, there's no relief in sight. I have to begin again. Alt, control, delete and just start back up. *Sigh* I wish life was like that. Sadly it's not so.
Posted on 2008.06.15 at 23:38
I don't feel like me any longer. The Cassie I used to know has gone. Where's she gone, nobody knows. I wonder if it was ever meant for me. To be happy I mean. It just seems like the older I get the more things start to change and I can't quite figure out what life has in store for me. I want to say that my possibilities are endless. I want to say that somewhere out there is the happy ending I've been searching my whole life for. I thought I found my prince charming. . . . So why do I keep questioning it? I'm married now, no children. Maybe that was a mistake as well. I don't feel all lovey dovey and romantically happy like I wanted to feel. In the beginning it was that . . . but now. Now there's the constant questioning and nagging feeling in my head that keeps going, is that all there is? Is that all there is to this love business? To this marriage business? I keep hoping there will be more. More time for what? I don't know. Maybe for me to settle into this role. I DID NOT picture my life this way. I am sad that I'm this person that I don't recognize. I don't want to be this way. Maybe I'm not meant to be a wife or a mother. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can get on with my life.
Posted on 2008.01.30 at 23:05
Life is full of regrets . . . . .
Posted on 2007.12.28 at 01:36
I'm sitting here thinking. . . of a life I wish I had. One full of hope and dreams and limitless possibilities. I think of all the things I dreamed about as a little girl and I wonder sometimes where they went. How I've failed that little girl so many countless times. And I wonder sometimes could I get it back. . . that innocence, that purity and love for life that was once there. I'm getting older. It's a natural progression of life, I feel so alone. So disconnected from the place I used to be. I don't know anymore, I guess I just need to disappear and never come back.
Posted on 2007.11.12 at 02:49
I've been looking back at some of the poems I've written. I've come to a cold realization: I haven't written a poem in two years! It's amazing to me. For the majority of my life, writing has been what's kept me from going off the deep end, for at least giving me some semblance of normalcy and now I don't know where its gone. I sat down tonight and tried to write something but I was . . . uninspired. I want that passion back for writing. I don't know how I'll get it back.
Posted on 2007.09.02 at 17:44
I was looking through my journals the other day. What would I do with my journals. I know as of right now I want to keep them, but I don't want anyone ever reading them whether I'm dead or alive. Maybe after a certain time I can burn them so no one will ever know what is in them. Nothing new going on, just feeling down as usual. My emotions are all over the place and I really don't know what to do about it. I'm married now, but most times I still feel like the loneliest person in the world. Will it ever get better or am I resigned to being sad forever?
Posted on 2007.05.16 at 18:13
You know, as I look at the title of my blog I realize a lot of things have changed over the years. I'm no longer that deluded or disoriented girl anymore. In fact, I felt like in the past few years I've really grown into my skin. It didn't always feel like it though. It's been very important to me to be able to feel that way especially after feeling so awkward for so long. I just always expected that it would just always be me against the world and I'm noticing it isn't quite like that anymore. And now that I'm about to enter a new chapter in my life, I feel very hopeful about the future. I'm been trying very hard to write into words all the things that I've been feeling. I haven't been able to put pen to paper though. I guess for me life is changing so much and where I imagined I would be and where I am right now are so different, it boggles my mind. Maybe I should change the title of my blog, who knows.
Posted on 2007.05.12 at 22:49
I feel so hopeless tonight. My thoughts, my feelings are mangled into this giant unrecognizable shape. Like my life isn't the way I want it to be. I want it to be like it was a long time ago, when I only needed to depend on myself and all my goals and aspirations were my own, I don't quite know how to feel anymore. I don't know too much except that I hate feeling this way and I don't like letting things get to me. Maybe I would have been better off on my own.
Posted on 2007.05.08 at 18:45
Current Mood: excited
So, I'm getting married! And I am very excited. I thought when it was time for me to get married it was going to be a small simple affair, but after talking to my parents I already see it turning to something else. Just looking at reception places and caterers, getting married is expensive! I don't know, I guess I'll see how it goes. Other than that nothing much going on, just enjoying life.